Laugh of the Day... -

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carryonvending Reading Friend Request - David Wailing

30 Apr 2012, 08:51 PM | Post: #281

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

This post was last modified: 30 Apr 2012 08:54 PM by carryonvending.

PUNOGRAPHY

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me .

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble .

Broken pencils are pointless .

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

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carryonvending Reading Friend Request - David Wailing

02 May 2012, 10:51 PM | Post: #282

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

I was sacked from my voluntary work with the Samaritans earlier today.

Things were going well until I received a phone call from a man who said, "My name is Abdul. I am depressed and I'm laying on the railway track."

All I said was, "Please remain calm and stay on the line."

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carryonvending Reading Friend Request - David Wailing

07 Jul 2012, 08:06 AM | Post: #283

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

THE BLACK BRA
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my
unmarried friends.
One
is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.

We were
chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting
them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend
:
The other night when my boyfriend came over
he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a
mask.
He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love
all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at
his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,
heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the
raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild
sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was
wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over
my eyes.
When he came in
the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love
this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Trace Reading

15 Jul 2012, 06:25 AM | Post: #284

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

(07 Jul 2012 08:06 AM)carryonvending Wrote: THE BLACK BRA
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my
unmarried friends.
One
is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.

We were
chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting
them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend
:
The other night when my boyfriend came over
he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a
mask.
He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love
all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at
his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,
heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the
raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild
sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was
wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over
my eyes.
When he came in
the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love
this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

LMAO - That sounds so much like my husband Big Grin

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ElaineG Reading Standers by Dale Brumfield

15 Jul 2012, 06:28 AM | Post: #285

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

(15 Jul 2012 06:25 AM)Trace Wrote:
(07 Jul 2012 08:06 AM)carryonvending Wrote: THE BLACK BRA
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my
unmarried friends.
One
is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.

We were
chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting
them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend
:
The other night when my boyfriend came over
he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a
mask.
He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love
all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at
his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,
heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the
raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild
sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was
wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over
my eyes.
When he came in
the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love
this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

LMAO - That sounds so much like my husband

That is precisely what my husband would say as well LOL

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tao

16 Aug 2012, 06:34 AM | Post: #286

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.

He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......

110, 120, 130 flash up on the digital speedo.

"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...140, 150, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and starts to slow down.

When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulls over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the bike, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and it’s my weekend off. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir,"

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tao

16 Aug 2012, 01:07 PM | Post: #287

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Here's one just for Daveb happy in retirement.......

One weekend Dave was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly's truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.

They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired woman answered the door. Dave and Rolly asked if they could spend the night.

"I know that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Dave replied. "The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of here immediately headed for the mountains." The woman agreed, and Joe and Rolly settled in for the night.

Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Dave and Rolly left without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later, Dave got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend

He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, "Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Of course, I do." retorted Rolly.

"I am just curious," stated Dave. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yeah, I confess" Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name," continued Dave with his questioning, "instead of telling her your real name?"

Rolly's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, old buddy. I'm afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? In other words, why do you ask?"

"She just died," declared Dave, "and left me everything in her will."

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tao

17 Aug 2012, 03:41 PM | Post: #288

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Two Irishmen stood on the deck of the submarine when the order rang out:

'Dive, dive, dive.'

Off the deck they leapt into the sea, just as the sub went down.

'Bloody hell Paddy,' said Mick, 'we only just got off before it sank!'

And this is one of those Irish at war jokes...

It was no man's land in the Battle of the Somme, and a small British raiding party had left their trenches to scout the terrain. There in the mud they spotted a head, with steel helmet on, sticking out of the mud.

'Hello there,' called the lieutenant. 'Who are you?'

'I'm Corporal McGinty, sir,' came the shrill Irish voice. 'I'm a member of the 17th cavalry regiment, and I've got myself stuck in this mud and I'm sinking fast!'

'Don't worry, lad,' called the officer. 'We'll soon get you free.'

With that the soldiers looped a rope around themselves, fastened it to a tree and crawled out to lever McGinty from the mud. Muscles bulging, eyes popping, they pulled his head, his neck, his ears, anything they could grab. They heaved till his shoulders started to come free, but by now they were almost exhausted.

'Lieutenant, sir,' said McGinty, 'do you think it would help if I took me feet out of the stirrups?'

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tao

19 Aug 2012, 09:30 AM | Post: #289

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Visit from the taxman........

Jimmy lived in a beautiful sixteen-bedroomed mansion out in the country. The house stood in 200 acres of prime land and included a huge garage for his three Rolls-Royces and three Mercedes limousines. His paddock saw the daily training of his string of prime racehorses and show jumpers. His indoor swimming pool was of Olympic proportions and the main house included a full-sized cinema, a disco, and gym equipped with every possible modern machine and gadget.

To his door one morning came a gentleman dressed in a sober dark grey suit and wielding a briefcase.

'Ah, Mr Malloy, I'm from the Inland Revenue and would like to ask you one or two questions about your mobile fish and chip shop.'

'What sort of questions?' challenged Malloy.

'Well, for instance,' said the taxman, 'for the last five years your annual returns have never exceeded £5,000 and a couple of times the figure was less than £3,000.'

'That's true,' replied Jimmy. 'So what's the problem?'

'Well, you see,' said the man from the Revenue, 'we can't reconcile those figures with the life you lead.'

'Oh, I see,' beamed Malloy. 'You're talking about my wealthy lifestyle and huge assets. Well let me explain. It has nothing to do with the chip shop. You see, years ago I took up landscape gardening and whilst working on a site I began digging a drainage trench. My spade suddenly struck something hard and when I revealed the obstacle it was a chest full of treasure. Gold coins, jewels, trinkets and so on. Hence my wealth!'

'What a story,' said the taxman. 'Have you any proof of this?'

'Well,' said Malloy, 'I've got this house, these cars, these horses ...'

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NJM Reading Advances in Digital Camera Technology by Phil Donald

20 Aug 2012, 06:39 PM | Post: #290

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by friends and workmates:

*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

*Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.

*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.

*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out

A midget psychic escapes from jail....Headlines: Small Medium at Large

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