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Laugh of the Day...

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Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
27 Nov 2014, 04:41 PM | Post: #611

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Sent all my American friends copies of Big and Forrest Gump for T Hanks giving.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
01 Dec 2014, 01:55 PM | Post: #612

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Said in a Yorkshire Accent

My PC has a Miley Virus. It's stopped t'werking.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
04 Dec 2014, 05:23 PM | Post: #613

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

I was buying a Christmas Tree at the garden centre earlier when the assistant asked "Will you be putting it up tonight sir?"

"I doubt it," I replied "my wife goes to the Bingo on a Thursday"
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline tao
05 Jul 2015, 09:28 AM | Post: #614

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

   
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Offline tao
21 Dec 2015, 06:09 PM | Post: #615

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Hi to everyone, I'm still around and pop in now and again... May I wish you all a peaceful and happy Christmas and the very best New Year, i hope you find this joke amusing....
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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Offline tao
05 Feb 2016, 09:35 AM | Post: #616

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist
"Hello, could you give me a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as peter was going out he returns 
and says,"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Peter was leaving again he turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move. During dinner,peter sat with his girlfriend on d left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer."Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all u've given us".
10minutes after, peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ...."
Ten minutes go by, and peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to d table. They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others. She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know u r so religious."Peter with his head still on d table replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
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Offline tao
17 Jul 2016, 06:10 PM | Post: #617

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

This post was last modified: 18 Jul 2016 05:10 AM by tao.
These Government austerity measures are more serious than you can imagine, my Bank sent me a letter yesterday for a new credit card 'pre declined'!
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Offline Anna Faversham Reading
17 Jul 2016, 09:58 PM | Post: #618

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Very British - we're laughing at ourselves now.  Thanks, tao.
[Image: 515KxJNxTKL._SL95.jpg] [Image: 510QluvPbnL._SL95.jpg] [Image: 51bOIIJsknL._SL95.jpg] [Image: 511DbLRLA5L._SL95.jpg]
Offline tao
18 Jul 2016, 07:32 AM | Post: #619

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

The European Commission announced in 2011 an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!.[Image: huh.gif]
So glad it doesn't apply now, but handy if your travelling to Berlin
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Offline tao
25 Jul 2016, 05:11 PM | Post: #620

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number 
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Currently Reading:An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris Last Book I Read:Heart Of Darkness - Joseph Conrad Favourite Genres:Thrillers & SciFi
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