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Laugh of the Day...

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Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
24 Dec 2011, 10:13 AM | Post: #61

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
24 Dec 2011, 10:15 AM | Post: #62

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

This post was last modified: 24 Dec 2011 10:16 AM by carryonvending.
I got a letter from the doctor the other day. It said:

"My diagnosis is that you must have daily sex".

I excitedly showed it to my wife who soon pissed on my fireworks when she pointed out that it actually said:

"My diagnosis is that you must have dyslexia"
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
24 Dec 2011, 10:18 AM | Post: #63

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

Well...to get to the bottom of course
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline tao
25 Dec 2011, 08:08 AM | Post: #64

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know you.

I've already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.Rolleyes
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Offline tao
25 Dec 2011, 08:11 AM | Post: #65

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.

It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!".Screwloose
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Offline tao
25 Dec 2011, 08:15 AM | Post: #66

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

This post was last modified: 25 Dec 2011 08:18 AM by tao.
I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty two before I was sacked for no apparent reason.Huh

What a waste of fourteen years!.Sad

And then I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains.

I wonder what the other half is for?.
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Offline tao
27 Dec 2011, 09:20 AM | Post: #67

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Don't worry if you put on weight over Christmas; we can answer your questions about dieting-

I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
No – your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Is Good.

Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
Food is fried in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?
Never heard of cocoa beans? Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around.

And, above all-
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – lager in one hand, bacon butty in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!".Big GrinBig GrinBig Grin
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Offline tao
27 Dec 2011, 09:25 AM | Post: #68

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

BBC News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death"

Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?
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Offline LorraineArndell Reading The Mutilation Machination By Shaun Jeffrey
27 Dec 2011, 09:43 AM | Post: #69

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

Tao, you're just too good, took me a good 2 minutes to understand this joke !
Offline tao
27 Dec 2011, 06:36 PM | Post: #70

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

(27 Dec 2011 09:43 AM)LorraineArndell Wrote:  Tao, you're just too good, took me a good 2 minutes to understand this joke !

BlushBlush
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Currently Reading:An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris Last Book I Read:Heart Of Darkness - Joseph Conrad Favourite Genres:Thrillers & SciFi
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Currently Reading:The Mutilation Machination By Shaun Jeffrey Last Book I Read:The Book Thief Favourite Genres:Horror ! Give me gore and I'm a happy bunny !Favourite eBooks:
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