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Laugh of the Day...

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Offline tao
15 Dec 2011, 07:15 AM | Post: #41

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they
got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother
asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned
Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got
to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could
be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH,
IRON, COOK...!"
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Offline tao
16 Dec 2011, 07:18 AM | Post: #42

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...

"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press....no one will answer anyway.Screwloose
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Offline tao
22 Dec 2011, 07:21 AM | Post: #43

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What I Read

RE: Laugh of the Day...

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?". Dodgy
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Offline tao
22 Dec 2011, 07:24 AM | Post: #44

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!".Thumbs Up
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Offline tao
22 Dec 2011, 07:40 AM | Post: #45

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied.
"When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple."
"Your joking!" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?".Omg
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Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
22 Dec 2011, 08:39 AM | Post: #46

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

My dog kept chasing people on a bike.

So we took his bike off him.

Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day.

So we gave him his bike back.

Because his bark was worse than his bike.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
22 Dec 2011, 08:41 AM | Post: #47

The Right Honourable PunMeister
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Posts: 1,732
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RE: Laugh of the Day...

My jewish friend has just become a memeber of the Magic Circle,
For his initiation he had to pull a rabbi out of his hat
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
22 Dec 2011, 08:43 AM | Post: #48

The Right Honourable PunMeister
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Posts: 1,732
Joined: Dec 2010

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

This post was last modified: 22 Dec 2011 08:43 AM by carryonvending.
French baths are the bain of my life.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline carryonvending Reading An Officer & a Spy - Robert Harris
22 Dec 2011, 08:44 AM | Post: #49

The Right Honourable PunMeister
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Posts: 1,732
Joined: Dec 2010

Thanked 9 times

What I Read

RE: Laugh of the Day...

The life of a boxer.
Its hit or miss.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Offline Susanne Reading The Rose Petal Beach by Dorothy Koomson
22 Dec 2011, 10:09 AM | Post: #50

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RE: Laugh of the Day...

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket. ~Chinese Proverb

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