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DIY Disasters

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RE: DIY Disasters

(17 May 2016 07:26 PM)Jonathan Hill Wrote: Wrote:  David Haynes, master of the comedy macabre:

The man lifted his hat, exposing a horrible flap of flesh. Only the man himself knew how such a disfigurement had arisen and nobody he'd thus far encountered had even seen beneath his hat, black as deathly night.

"Name?" the station attendant barked, the cold London mist swirling about him.

"Moorhen. Roger Moorhen," the man with the flesh-flap replied.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
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Offline Tim_A Reading strictly murder by Lynda Wilcox
17 May 2016, 07:52 PM | Post: #22

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RE: DIY Disasters

I sent tonight's dinner flying across the room in what can only be described as the "Tripping over mysterious invisible obstacle incident." I'm wondering whether if I glue a frame around "that bit" of the wall, I can call it art . . .

"Drippy beans and meat sauce in cola" It's gonna be big in the Tate Modern!
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Offline cecilia_writer Reading Murder by the Glass by Lynda Wilcox
17 May 2016, 08:09 PM | Post: #23

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RE: DIY Disasters

Tim - I work in a modern art gallery, just DON'T joke about that! No matter how pointless or ugly something is, it has already been done - probably in the British Art Show.
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RE: DIY Disasters

I actually wept with laughter over that account, David! I'm sure it wasn't the least bit amusing at the time, but thank you for sharing the joy. Smile
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RE: DIY Disasters

This post was last modified: 27 Mar 2017 08:06 PM by DavidHaynes.
Well it had been a while since I tried some DIY so I had almost forgotten what a cretin I was. 

The job of the weekend (since the good weather is supposedly on the way) - put the new washing line post in and secure the line. 

1) Dig a hole and put the steel pole in. Fill with soil. Tie line to pole and other end to hook already on house.

2) Tell Mrs H job is done and washing can be hung out.

3) Whole shooting-match comes down. Clean damp washing falls in freshly mown grass. 

4) Go and buy some cement to put in hole. 

5) Make cement, pour in deeper hole, wait for cement to harden. 

6) Tell Mrs H job is done and rewashed washing can be hung out. 

7) Whole shooting-match falls down taking with it part of the neighbour's fence. Everything lands on clean washing. 

8) Dig new hole. Separate the two halves of the pole and use neighbour's sledge hammer to smash pole deeper into the ground. 

9) Bend the aforementioned pole so two halves don't fit together anymore and end up in bed with bottle of wine and prescription medication nursing back. 

10) Promise Mrs H this was definitely the last DIY I'll ever attempt.
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Offline davidwailing Reading
28 Mar 2017, 03:28 PM | Post: #26

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RE: DIY Disasters

I feel guilty laughing at something which you suffered for, but you make your life sound like a Laurel and Hardy movie!
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RE: DIY Disasters

Almost weeping with laughter here! Thanks for sharing the joy, David. Smile
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Offline cecilia_writer Reading Murder by the Glass by Lynda Wilcox
28 Mar 2017, 08:59 PM | Post: #28

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RE: DIY Disasters

I love this story, David - are you sure you aren't meant to write humour instead of all that horror?
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Offline Kath Middleton Reading Hell, yes!
28 Mar 2017, 09:27 PM | Post: #29

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RE: DIY Disasters

I want to read the Haynes Manual for DIY!
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RE: DIY Disasters

The frustrating thing is my preparation for these things is meticulous. 

The problem is that the plan is meticulously wrong and will never work. Once plan A fails, and it always does, plan B doesn't exist beyond swearing a lot and blaming my tools. I used to have a lot of tools but they've "disappeared" over the years. 

I believe a hammer resides in the field behind the house we lived in ten years ago after a botched attempt at re felting the shed roof.
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