How's this for a blurb? -

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Ray Kingfisher Reading No, Writing.

23 Oct 2014, 07:19 AM | Post: #1

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How's this for a blurb?

I wonder if any kind people out there would like to comment on the blurb for my soon to be released novel 'Rosa's Gold'?

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Rosa’s Gold - A Story of Holocaust Echoes.

Nicole Sutton is a young girl with serious problems. A tragic accident has had wider repercussions for her - ones she could never have imagined. She moves to a new house, a new town, and a life she never wanted.

In the dusty cellar of the house she stumbles upon an old notebook - the scribbled war memoirs of an old soldier. At first she can't summon up the interest, but the story soon draws her in - ultimately to the tragedy and madness of a life left behind in Auschwitz.

As she reads on, the words of the old soldier tell her so much about living history, her own situation, and real life.

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I'd be grateful for all suggestions big and small, thank you.

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Jennie Lee Reading Course notes for Pilates Teacher Training

23 Oct 2014, 07:47 AM | Post: #2

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

It looks good and it draws interest, Ray. My only suggestion would be to leave out ... 'At first she can't summon up the interest'.

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Anna Faversham Reading

23 Oct 2014, 08:21 AM | Post: #3

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

I'd leave out or reposition your last line because the previous words are stronger (ultimately... Auschwitz).

I'd also agree with Jennie, though you could shorten that negative with something like 'Initially ignoring...'

Sounds interesting, Ray.

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profnexus Reading David Gemmell - Druss The Legend

24 Oct 2014, 07:38 AM | Post: #4

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

(23 Oct 2014 07:19 AM)Ray Kingfisher Wrote: Wrote: I wonder if any kind people out there would like to comment on the blurb for my soon to be released novel 'Rosa's Gold'?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rosa’s Gold - A Story of Holocaust Echoes.

Nicole Sutton is a young girl with serious problems. A tragic accident has had wider repercussions for her - ones she could never have imagined. She moves to a new house, a new town, and a life she never wanted.

In the dusty cellar of the house she stumbles upon an old notebook - the scribbled war memoirs of an old soldier. At first she can't summon up the interest, but the story soon draws her in - ultimately to the tragedy and madness of a life left behind in Auschwitz.

As she reads on, the words of the old soldier tell her so much about living history, her own situation, and real life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd be grateful for all suggestions big and small, thank you.

Hi Ray, I agree with Anna. The last word should be Auschwitz - it is so powerful.
Best of luck. Rick

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Ray Kingfisher Reading No, Writing.

24 Oct 2014, 07:44 AM | Post: #5

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RE: How's this for a (revised) blurb?

Many thanks Jennie / Anna. Anyone else care to comment on the revised version?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rosa’s Gold - A Story of Holocaust Echoes.

Nicole Sutton is a troubled young girl. A tragic accident has had wider repercussions for her - ones she could never have imagined. She moves to a new house, a new town, and a life she never wanted.

In the dusty cellar of the house she stumbles upon an old notebook - the scribbled war memoirs of an old soldier, and his words slowly draw her in.

As she reads on she learns so much about living history, her own situation, and real life. For the old soldier's tale ultimately tells of the tragedy and madness of a life left behind in Auschwitz.

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I've repositioned (what was) the last line so as to end with 'Auschwitz', but I'm still not sure which version I prefer.

Hence still grateful for any feedback big and small.

www.raykingfisher.com

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Kath Middleton Reading Hell, yes!

24 Oct 2014, 08:26 AM | Post: #6

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

Old notebook and old soldier in the same sentence sounds a bit clunky. Could you change one of them? Otherwise it's got that intriguing quality you want in a blurb.

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Ray Kingfisher Reading No, Writing.

24 Oct 2014, 08:36 AM | Post: #7

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

(24 Oct 2014 08:26 AM)Ignite Wrote: Wrote: Old notebook and old soldier in the same sentence sounds a bit clunky. Could you change one of them? Otherwise it's got that intriguing quality you want in a blurb.

Thanks Kath. I need to replace the first one with 'well-worn' or 'threadbare', or perhaps the second with 'Second World War'.

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Kath Middleton Reading Hell, yes!

24 Oct 2014, 08:49 AM | Post: #8

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

Either would do, yes. I thought maybe 'ancient' for the first but yours draw the picture better.

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davidwailing Reading

24 Oct 2014, 10:31 AM | Post: #9

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

I think this is good stuff, Ray. I'll offer a contrasting opinion that I thought mentioning Auschwitz in the middle paragraph worked better. That's your killer hook and the sooner it gets used, the more likely people will read on.

My only other suggestion is to try and replace anything generic with something specific, if at all possible. The line about a tragic accident having wider repercussions doesn't engage me because it's too vague. Can we hear what actually happened to Nicole? Likewise, the suggestion that reading the book has her learning about her own life... can we get an idea what she is learning? Is it good or bad, disturbing or uplifting?

I will add I think the structure and length are both excellent - nice and punchy!

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Tim_A Reading strictly murder by Lynda Wilcox

24 Oct 2014, 11:50 AM | Post: #10

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RE: How's this for a blurb?

I thought I'd already replied to this thread, but either my comment got lost, or I'm losing it (or both).

Nicole Sutton is a young girl with serious problems.

Okay so far.

A tragic accident has had wider repercussions for her - ones she could never have imagined.

Meh. What accident? What repercussions? I can't imagine them, so I'm not really caring that she can't...

She moves to a new house, a new town, and a life she never wanted.

In the dusty cellar of the house she stumbles upon an old notebook - the scribbled war memoirs of an old soldier. At first she can't summon up the interest, but the story soon draws her in - ultimately to the tragedy and madness of a life left behind in Auschwitz.

Bzzzt. Repetition of OLD. Don't tell us she's not interested, cos we won't be either. Ooh tragedy, madness, Auschwitz. That's a good hook.

As she reads on, the words of the old soldier tell her so much about living history, her own situation, and real life.

Old again. The end is a bit of an anticlimax.

Overall, it's a good length, the three clauses are fine but the middle one is much stronger than the other two. Those just need to be zinged up a bit.

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