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Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

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Offline Grace Elliot Reading Demelza.
08 Dec 2013, 08:34 PM | Post: #1

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Question Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

OK, I've spent 2 days on the blurb for a Georgian romance in the fictional setting of the Foxhall Pleasure Gardens. I'm losing the will to live and need help....please! Constructive criticism most welcome.

The new manager of Foxhall Pleasure Gardens, Tobias Wolfson, is employed to make tough decisions. It is Wolfson’s job to revive the gardens fortunes and sack outdated performers. However, the ringmaster’s daughter, “Hetty” Hart, challenges this cold hard logic when her resourcefulness and beauty stirs emotions he has long suppressed.  When her father’s audition is a disaster, Wolfson believes the act could succeed…but with Hetty as the ringmaster. Ignoring gossip about their mutual attraction, Wolfson throws the Hart’s act a lifeline. With Hetty in the ringmaster’s costume she is a sensation but attracts the lustful Lord Fordyce. The duke wants Hetty as his mistress and his manipulation mean Wolfson’s emotional detachment is sorely tested when he must choose between his livelihood…and true love. 
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Offline Kath Middleton Reading Hell, yes!
08 Dec 2013, 08:48 PM | Post: #2

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RE: Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

Watch your apostrophes Grace.- to revive the gardens fortunes - gardens' if they are plural
- her resourcefulness and beauty stirs - stir - there are two of them
- throws the Hart's act a lifeline - the Harts - it's a plural so you don't need an apostrophe
- and his manipulation mean - means. Manipulation is singular.
It's massively important to ensure a reader isn't put off by things like this in a blurb. It doesn't say 'Well written' to me and even if the book itself is edited to blazes I'd never buy it to find out.

Good luck. Smile
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Offline JMac Reading
08 Dec 2013, 09:13 PM | Post: #3

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RE: Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

Not sure if this helps at all?

What is Tobias Wolfson, the new manager of Foxhall Pleasure Gardens, to do? He has sacked outdated performers and employed a successful new ringmaster, but this success has brought him a problem. Hetty Hart is the daughter of the previous ringmaster, and Tobias has taken a risk in employing her in his place, but this pays off and she is a sensation. However, the lustful Lord Fordyce wants Hetty as his mistress and his manipulation means that Wolfson's emotional detachment is sorely tested when he must choose between his livelihood and true love.
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Offline LexiRevellian Reading A book which I have forgotten to add here
08 Dec 2013, 10:54 PM | Post: #4

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RE: Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

Small green furry thing, that's rather good.

Ignite, I think it should be the Harts' act as there are two of them and the act belongs to them.
Lexi
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Offline Rosen Trevithick Reading
08 Dec 2013, 11:57 PM | Post: #5

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RE: Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

It's Blurb Sunday!
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Offline JMac Reading
09 Dec 2013, 08:01 AM | Post: #6

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RE: Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

There's nothing like working on someone else's writing when you're stuck on your own!
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Offline Kath Middleton Reading Hell, yes!
09 Dec 2013, 09:18 AM | Post: #7

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RE: Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

(08 Dec 2013 10:54 PM)LexiRevellian Wrote: Wrote:  Small green furry thing, that's rather good.

Ignite, I think it should be the Harts' act as there are two of them and the act belongs to them.
So it does! Smile
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Offline Grace Elliot Reading Demelza.
09 Dec 2013, 04:33 PM | Post: #8

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Smile RE: Blurb help for 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'.

(08 Dec 2013 11:57 PM)Rosen Trevithick Wrote: Wrote:  It's Blurb Sunday!

We need a 'blurb' forum!
In haste as should really be at work...thanks for the replies - will read them at leisure later tonight. 
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